The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.