Q: Why did you tell Peter that I'm stupid?
A: Sorry, I didn't know it was a secret.
Man 1: Do you think you'll marry again?
Divorced man: Nah, I'll just find someone I hate and give her house.
This is a true story regarding the death of a composer whose name I forget. One man informed the other of the death of the musician:
"He died peacefully, not even realising it."
"Then he must have gotten quite a shock when he found out."
"Do you speak to your wife when you have sex?"
"Only if she rings."
Insurance company to policy-holder: "You are a very lucky man, Mr Bridges, it just happens that the only thing your policy covers is being savaged by a hippopotamus while riding a bicycle underwater."
She: I went to the movies and had to change my seat six times.
He: Did someone bother you?
She: Eventually.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses... He drinks straight out of the bottle.
Sign in a bar: Those drinking to forget........ please pay in advance."
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us.
Sign in a restaurant: All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.