What am I doing here? you ask. That's a really, really good question. I can't believe it myself. It is beyond weird to be here, spending Christmas in prison, on Mars.It was a fluke I got to the red planet at all, as a return ticket costs a royal fortune and a half. Naturally, I could not afford it. However, I entered a special lottery, where the first prize was Christmas on Mars, second prize was a trip to Disneyland, third was a set of steak knives. I won the Mars trip. A stroke of good or bad luck? Depends on how long they keep me in this place.
Before the flight, there was an introductory lecture to prepare us to visit another world. It mentioned the dos and don'ts of Mars, including the local customs, habits and taboos of the Martians. Naturally, I was far too excited to pay attention. I'd never been in a plane before, and now I was about to ride a rocket to another planet! Surely an excursion to remember and tell my grandkids, if I ever got around to having some.
Getting into the rocket was tricky, as we had to get up a ladder to recline in our horizontal seats, decorated with tinsel. Of course I climbed up easily, unlike those arthritic, old millennials. Some needed help big time. I was so busy checking the straps of my harness I forgot to look up the skirt of our guide as she ascended the ladder.
There was a sonic boom when we lifted off, so that I was grateful for the ear plugs. Then a juddering vibration as we tourists left planet earth. It was too noisy to talk to anyone, but I knew that some people were going for the second or third time, so it had to be good. The best part was that they gave us Jelly-Os to eat during the flight.
The trip was uneventful, with zero in-cabin entertainment, until the landing, that is. It was a huge jolt, as the craft does not have wheels. Relieved to have survived this, we unclipped, descended the ladder and filed out wearing our oxygen masks, as the Martian atmosphere is too sparse for us. Of course, the Martians were there. Not a lot happens on Mars, so our arrival was an event for them. The Martians are a bit backward, like an English village a few hundred years ago. They have no cars or mobiles, not even TV, can you believe it?
However, better times are coming. They already have a McDonalds and the beginnings of roadside advertising.
On the second day, our guide took us to a colourful wooden temple of the local religion. The Martians worship a chocolate-loving puma, even though they hunted it to extinction long ago. At the back, the temple contained a fridge with what looked like chocolate ice cream cones. Of course, I could not help myself. I was as hungry as hell, as this was before lunch, and anyway I can't resist a sugar fix at the best of times. So I opened the fridge and took out one of the cones, discreetly, I thought. I licked it behind a pillar. Naturally, it was delicious. However, eating was tricky, as I had to keep taking the mask on and off. It was worse than during Covid, so that I was gasping for air. I was half way through, when one of the Martians screamed. The rest is history.
I was the first human ever to be taken to a Martian gaol. So here I am, waiting for our tour leader to negotiate my release. She is hopeful and so am I. All I can say is that a sweet tooth can be a hazard during interplanetary travel.