When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. How did he get here before falling asleep from exhaustion? Also, what was this place and why a dinosaur? He tried to patch his memories together. There was a car, yes, an apple-green Porsche with contrasting red seats. Did it hit a dinosaur? No, it hit a tree, with Zelda driving at high speed, as they were being pursued by the police car, its siren blaring. He had stolen the four-door Porsche, as it was Zelda's fantasy to drive one, and he could not deny her this pleasure.
But where was Zelda? He surmised that he was in an after-death state. The presence of a large growling reptile, and a long-deceased one at that, did not bode well. He hurried through the dim cavern away from the malevolent beast. It was all he could do to avoid crashing his head into the stalactites.
How to contact her? They had practised the tantric yoga techniques of astral communication while on earth. Would these work here? He sat down in the traditional pose and delved within, looking for her presence. It took half an hour, but a faint voice began to sound in his mind.
He: Where are you?
She: Don't know, but it looks exquisite and smells of jasmine. Where are you? And are you OK?
He: I feel fine, but I suspect we are both dead. Either that, or we are hallucinating.
She: No, this is real. I think I might be in Heaven, judging by the beautiful vistas, the perfume, and the colourful birds. That and music by Bach playing.
He: Are you injured? That was quite a crash!
She: Not a scratch. How about you?
He: Also unharmed, but I am in a cavern with braziers and a horned dinosaur.
She: You lucky thing! I always dreamed of seeing a real dinosaur.
He: Not sure I feel lucky. This place is creepy and the dinosaur looks ready for lunch.
She: How far away are we from each other?
He: I think we are in different worlds.
She: I miss you already.
He: Me too. It's wonderful to hear your voice.
She: Let us both investigate how we can meet.
He: I believe the only connection between Heaven and Hell is this thing the believers call Purgatory.
Suddenly, breaking the connection, a stampede of wild rams was upon him. They knocked him down and trampled his legs. Bruised, cut and sore, he stood up once they had passed. It was so hot that his skin was coming up in blisters all over his body. He also felt a searing pain in his gut that nearly incapacitated him. Purely by luck, he managed to exit from the cave, though the air outside was no less foul.
In the far distance, people silhouetted by the red flames were being attacked by large elks. The torments of Hell were personalised. Each of the condemned received punishment commensurate with their wrong-doing. Had the Porsche been a top-of-the-line turbo model, he would have been a quarry for the elks. The worst criminals, such as serial killers, populist presidents, and pedophile priests, had to contend with grizzly bears and crocodiles. Torturers were tied up inside bull ant nests. Those who had murdered millions were torn to shreds by a T Rex, repeatedly, forever.
The background sounds in this dark realm were explosions, the crackling of fires and intermittent howling of wolves. That and the anguished cries of tortured humans. Except for the red fires, all was black and grey, without any white. Even blood, copiously spilled, was black.
"Welcome to country!" was the booming announcement. "This land is sacred to the Neanderthal people, who were the first to arrive here, soon after Heaven was created, especially for them." An impressive trumpet fanfare followed and then a blinding light, as the Almighty passed by, nodding almost imperceptibly to the huge seated crowd. Then the hymns of praise to Him began.
Zelda: "Please may I be excused? I have a headache.""There are no headaches here. Sit down and keep singing."
The hymns continued for what seemed like two hours, but was probably less. After the praise-giving, she caught a Chinese woman by her silk embroidered sleeve.
"Is there an exit from here?"
"No, of course not."
She made her way through the bright-green meadows dotted with wildflowers of every colour known on earth, as well as some extra ones reserved for the blessed. All the colours were super-saturated, creating a dazzling effect that Zelda thought was over the top. There were many exotic trees, all growing splendidly, with showy flowers and tempting fruits. All of which were edible, of course. She asked each person she met about any possible exits from Heaven.
"Why would you want to leave? There is peace and prosperity here."
"I want to re-unite with the love of my life."
"Ah that's devotion! Anyway, I don't know of any exit."
Heaven had its own dress code. Women had to wear long dresses in floral prints. Men wore trousers in dull colours and matching shirts with collars. Denim was not permitted. It was about showing respect. Zelda rebelled in a small way by wearing stockings with a garter belt. This was frowned upon, but Heaven followed the precept that "a sin well hidden is half forgiven".
Everyone here was aged 30 and in excellent health. Zelda thought 30 was not her best age. She believed her beauty peaked when she was 42, at the time of her death. But then, maybe it was the glow of new love.
They say you don't get to meet anyone interesting in Heaven, but Zelda was surprised to spot David Bowie, one of her all-time favourites. Though normally she showed the boldness of her half-Lebanese background, she felt timid coming up to this legendary figure.
"I don't want your autograph. I just want to thank you for the wonderful music you have created." David just smiled back at her. She was surprised he appeared shy and even awkward.
"I loved your performance in the film, Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence. That was a great role."
"Yes, I enjoyed it, especially when I got to say, 'I wish I could sing'. I ad libbed that line and the director loved it." They listened together to the mellifluous music of the birds. "Now THAT is really something", he commented.
Zelda kept asking everyone she met. Eventually, a redheaded man in a blue shirt and matching pants answered, "I don't know about an exit, but there must be an entrance, apart from death on earth."
"Why is that?"
"Because people who don't initially make the grade spend time in Purgatory. Most of them end up here eventually. Except for a few hard cases that go to the other place."
"So how do I find the portal?"
"I suggest you ask around till you find someone who has come from Purgatory."
Zelda persisted till a tall woman with waist-long, blond hair answered, "I'm not sure where the entrance is, but it is somewhere in those blue hills. There is a new arrival I met, he should know."
When Zelda located this individual, a handsome and virile-looking black man with a ready smile, he proved helpful, accompanying her all the way to the portal. "This is it," he said, "but I don't recommend going to Purgatory. It is a thoroughly unpleasant place. I couldn't wait to finish my time. No-one is crazy enough to go back."
"Why were you sent there?"
"I lusted after my secretary, who wore short minis. Never touched her, but I still got a long sentence, with pain in the genitals. It put me off sex altogether. Lust is the worst of the seven sins, as per the management."
Zelda thanked him and pushed on the ordinary-looking door, which was in a low hill that jutted out. To her surprise, the portal opened easily. Without hesitating, she stepped through, and it closed behind her soundlessly. She had no intention of going back, but something told her she would not be able to open it from the Purgatory side.
The gentle floral scents of Heaven were replaced by the penetrating odour of methylated spirits. She immediately felt cramps in various muscles, as well as mild nausea and a headache. The sound-scape here was a distant but ominous booming. Though it was daylight, everything was in muted colours, all greyish, with no black or white. She found herself on an arid plain. The hill with the door had disappeared.
"What are you doing here?" was the brusque question. A uniformed guardian had appeared, seemingly out of nowhere."I am looking for my man."
"No visits are allowed here. This is strictly a punishment and purification zone. Did you come from Heaven?"
"Yes."
"Then you must go back there immediately. This is no place for a good woman."
The heavily-built man grabbed her by the shoulders and marched her towards the portal, though this was no longer visible.
"Wait! My shoe is falling off." He released her momentarily, allowing her to land a kungfu hit that knocked him out cold. She ran as fast as she could in her flowing dress in the opposite direction.
Out of breath, she paused to vomit and tried to orient herself. To the left, was a featureless plain, baked dry by a hot but dull red star. To the right, were some cliffs of wet basalt. Instinctively, she made for the high ground. Maybe she could work something out by scanning the horizon from the cliff-top.
Not trusting the wet rock, Zelda ascended awkwardly through loose scree, hampered by the skirt. After much scrambling, many slides and a painful fall, she was atop the bluff. Scanning the horizon, she noticed a large human-made structure. It was unfinished and looked uncannily like the pictures she had seen of the Tower of Babel. Squinting, she could make out that there were figures toiling on the tower, carrying bricks and cement. Zelda wondered who had moved it here, or was it a spin-off copy? Since nothing else caught her eye, she began walking towards the structure. The terrain was not difficult, but the heat bore down on her.
Giant pterosaurs glided above her. They screeched loudly and looked scary, but did not prey on humans. They were there to remind people this was not a place for picnics.
Meanwhile, though simultaneity could not be guaranteed, Arvin was doing similar research in Hell. "We all want out of this place! If I knew of an exit I'd not be talking to you now."
Arvin persisted, getting much the same answer from each tormented soul, some of whom could barely speak. However, perseverance was his strong point. Some one hundred enquiries later, he was onto a lead. A tough-looking character said,
"I've come from Purgatory. I got kicked out for insubordination. Those wankers think they are generals. If you don't obey and kow-tow you end up down here."
"So where is the portal? Can you take me there?"
"Go find it yourself. It's a door in one of those rocks over there. But it won't do you any good, as it only opens one way." He pointed towards the craggy rocks reeking of sulphur.
Arvin spent what, on earth, would have been a whole day searching among the boulders for the door. Here, it was always night, making the search harder. When he came upon it, he was surprised he had not noticed it earlier. It was set horizontally in a large rock of the same shade of grey. He pushed on the door and with much effort, managed to press it back a little. Then a little more and finally he could slip through. He scrambled down using some metal rungs, into a long passageway that was poorly lit. This led to a large hall with a high, domed ceiling, where various equipment, of unknown provenance and no obvious purpose, was stored. Things were looking up, except for one detail.A Tyrannosaurus Rex stood guard to prevent jail-breaks. It reared up to its full height as it spotted him. Arvin was fortunate in that he had written a dissertation on this very animal, so that he knew it had a single weakness, a vulnerable patch beneath the chin. Picking up a heavy implement with a sharp end, he was ready for the reptile as it charged. He would have only one chance. He had rehearsed this manouevre in his mind many times, so he landed a cruel blow in the exact spot beneath the animal's snout. The Rex collapsed, groaning loudly, paralysed.
He wandered around looking for an exit. There were various passageways and more doors. He tried them all and returned to the large hall where the inert Rex was still bellowing. The place seemed more like a storage facility than a path to another realm.
Then 'Ping!", he remembered that there was a door he had not tried, as he had been distracted by a more promising one. He returned to this door. Unlike all the others, it seemed impossible to open it, as the door had no handle or keyhole, and did not have a visible hinge.
He returned to the hall and picked up a heavy metal tool that resembled a spade. He managed to prise it under the door and then pushed down on the handle with all his might. He heard a crack, but the door held fast. He tried the same manoeuvre at the top and sides of the door, eventually finding a weak point. Like a lot of things in Hell, it was not well made. The material of the door began to splinter. It took a lot more effort, but he succeeded in breaking open a hole large enough to pass through. He slumped down exhausted on the other side. Immediately, the atmosphere changed from the smell of burnt flesh and excrement to methylated spirits.
At the end of the new corridor, which was well lit by ceiling lamps, there was another door. This one opened easily. Outside, it was daytime, which was always the case here, in Purgatory. He had emerged onto a barren mesa swept by frigid gusts of wind, driving sand into his face.
It seemed wise to get far away from the portal, in case the guardians of Hell came looking for him. He wondered whether and when they might do a head-count and notice he had gone AWOL. The penalty for trying to escape was not something he wanted to think about. His hope was that the Hellfire Helpers, as they were called, would not be allowed into Purgatory, as the two realms officially ignored each other, much like Chilean maps that left Argentina blank and vice versa. In fact, he need not have worried, as demarcation disputes between Hell and Purgatory were unheard of.
He wandered down to lower ground, which was marshy, making progress slow and his feet wet. Eventually, he lost sight of the mesa in the distance. Arvin sat down in half-lotus under a dead tree and tried to focus. However, chattering monkeys had taken up residence in his mind and could not be silenced. He gave up the attempt. Instead, he began walking towards what looked like a pyramid in the far distance.
It turned out to be a snow-capped volcano, its beauty out of place in this bleak world. Sitting on a lava block at the base of the mountain, he tried to reach Zelda again. Arvin relaxed and sank into a meditative state. This time, he achieved contact.
"Zelda, where are you now?"
"You'll be proud of me. I managed to get to Purgatory. It was a cinch. What about you?"
"I can't tell, but the smell of the place is different to Hell."
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"Let me guess. Methylated spirits?""Yup".
"So it looks like we are both in Purgatory. Do you feel nausea?"
"Now that you mention it, yes, that and a headache."
"In that case the plan is to find a landmark we can both walk to. Or do they have Uber here?"
"Unter is more likely. What's Purgatory like?"
"Pretty nondescript, foggy, grey, dank and cold. Much like 4 pm in England in winter. Either that or too hot."
"It's great knowing we are in the same realm, however unpleasant."
"Sorry, but I have to sign off, I have a strong cramp and can't focus."
Later, they resumed communication:
"I got far away from the portal to Hell. I am now at the base of a Mt Fuji look-alike."
"Hmm, you must be far away. I am approaching a Tower of Babel, but I can't see any peaks on the horizon."
"Is there some way of telling how far apart we are?"
"No. Our telepathy works equally well at any distance."
"So what can we do?"
"Dunno. Let me think."
"What about the angle of the sun?"
"No, it is always vertical everywhere in Purgatory."
"There must be a way."
"Even if we both had compasses, that still would not help."
"I have an idea. I'll ask at the tower whether anyone knows about the volcano."
"What if someone reports you?"
"I'll risk it."
She went off the air.
Zelda reached the wide base of the tower and accosted a prim-looking old woman, her hair in a bob, pushing a wheelbarrow of lime up a ramp. The woman was new to Purgatory, but she referred Zelda to a younger lady, who had worked on the tower for a very long time. The second woman, whose sin had been pride - like all those toiling here - was talkative, but vague on directions. However, she thought she knew of a snow-capped volcano."Keep going in this direction. Good luck! The peak should appear eventually." said she, pointing.
As indeed it did.
On the way, she watched as misers, hedge fund managers and billionaires carried large gold ingots bound to their backs, which they were compelled to dump into a crater. Here, as on earth, gold had only consensual value. In Purgatory it was worthless, but heavy to lug in the heat.
Later, she saw hundreds of men toiling to pull a gargantuan bellusaurus on a sled. They were being treated for the sin of sloth.
Zelda sat down and messaged Arvin. "I am at the base of a volcano like the one you described, but I cannot see you."
"We might be on opposite sides of it. Stay where you are and I will walk around the mountain."
"The least you could do is climb it for me!"
"Of course! It's only four or five thousand metres high, but that would burn quite a few hours."
It took much longer than they expected, as the strato-volcano had a broad base. Zelda screamed loudly when she spotted Arvin. They ran to meet each other and embraced. Then they fell on each other like sex-starved teenagers. Clothes went flying; they made love passionately on an improvised mat.
So high above them that the enormous reptile was scarcely visible, a pterosaur squawked loudly, in apparent disapproval.
"I'm curious, what was Heaven like?"
"Oh, you wouldn't like it. A lot of sitting around, singing the praises of the Almighty."
"Sounds boring."
"That sums it up."
Afterwards, as they lay in a relaxed embrace, they did not notice a figure in a brown robe approaching, carrying a sizeable club. "You can't do that here!" she shouted in a shrill voice. "You two come with me!" Zelda and Arvin looked at each other as they got dressed. They could over-power her and flee, but before they could do anything, a contingent of wardens appeared. Some were mounted on large but fleet sauropods, so escape was unlikely.
Presently, they were brought before a tribunal in a huge courtroom of polished, yellow wood, where many penitents had learnt their fate. The heavily-bearded presiding judge asked, "Where are you two from?"
"We come in peace, from earth." they answered in unison.
"That is not helping. Are you Christians, at least?"
"No, we are both sworn agnostics." Arvin answered, as Zelda nodded her head.
"Then there has been a mistake. Only Christians are sent here. We will expel you."
"To where?"
"To a place whose name I cannot pronounce, as it is a dinosaur word requiring their vocal cords. Su-arin, can you tell them the name, please?"
The sauropod cleared its throat and spoke in a basso profondo voice that filled the entire chamber:
"In our sauropod language it is called gwkrtwqm."
Zelda: "That doesn't tell us much. What is it?"
"It's really new. An experimental facility. The Almighty decided in His all-encompassing wisdom, that there was no point sending athiests and agnostics to Limbo or Purgatory. So He made this new place."
"Really?"
"Unlike Heaven, which is passive, it's a place that gives unlimited scope for creativity."
"Why?"
"Because the Almighty decided that even He could learn something from His own creations."