Wanted dead or alive - Schrodinger's cat.
Of course, reality is an illusion created entirely within the human mind, but it's the only place you can get a decent cup of coffee.
What's the difference between theory and practice?
There's none in theory, but in practice there is.
If you don't pay your excorcist you'll get repossessed.
A sadist is kind to masochists.
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Socialism is the exact opposite.
Of course, I'm very much over-qualified for this position, but I've forgotten LOTS since college!"
The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.
A mathematician was giving a lecture when a student interrupted with a question. The lecturer replied that the answer was obvious. The student asked why. The lecturer left the hall and returned half an hour later, saying, "Yes, it is obvious!"
At a singles meetup for single cells, one said to another, "If I don't find someone compatible soon, I'll split."
What do you call a psychic dwarf who escaped from gaol?
A small medium at large.
God said:
and there was light!
How many Zen monks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to not change it.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were asked to give the result of 2 + 2. The engineer made various calculations and came up with approximately 4.001. The physicist consulted theory and performed various measurements and came up with 3.999 plus or minus 0.001. The mathematician took much longer, eventually coming back to say, "I don't know the answer, but I can prove it exists!"
There are two kinds of matter. Matter and doesn't matter.
Referring to a native superstition, an islander said, "I don't believe it because I am a Christian, but it is true." This is a real story.
Why is the universe 14 billion years old?
Because it took that long for a creature to develop who would ask that question.
Seen on a sign: "If you have no common sense please ask for assistance."
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don't know, don't care.
Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.
Why didn't the quantum cross the road?
Because it was already on both sides.
A Zen student asked his master, "Is it OK to use email?"
"Yes," came the reply, "But no attachments."
Why are quantum physicists terrible in bed?
Because when they find the position, they don't have the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity.
I can't put it down!
Did you hear the news about reincarnation?
It's making a comeback.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably.
Two behaviorists have sex.
One turns to the other and says, "That was good for you, but how was it for me?"
Two atoms are walking down the street.
One atom says to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one!
All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
What is the mind? No matter.
What is the body? Never mind.
One day Jean-Paul Sartre was at a cafe when a barista came up and asked him if he wanted anything.
Sartre said to her, "Yes, I'd like a coffee, please - with no milk."
The barista responded, "I'm sorry monsieur, we're out of milk. Would you like it with no cream instead?"
Helium walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
He doesn't react.
A woman comes home to find her string theorist husband in bed with another woman.
"But honey," he says, "I can explain everything!"
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of her time doing?,
Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Your mama is so classless that she could be a Marxist utopia.
What did one chromatid say to the other?
"Stop copying me!"