The freedom to let oneself be known is also the freedom to be oneself. - Montague Ullman
Intimacy is complex and difficult to pin down. It is a connection between two people who are being authentic. It means they have none, or very few, barriers between them. Honesty and frankness are crucial. Without honesty, intimacy is an illusion. Intimacy is typically created when we share negative feelings and experiences, especially of guilt, inadequacy, envy or shame. These are the things we normally hold close to our chests, and when we divulge them to another person, this usually creates a sense of connection and fellow-feeling, as the other person realises they are not alone with similar negative feelings. It is a tacit invitation for them too to let down their guard, which deepens the connection. Not being private, but showing our authentic self is liberating.
Intimacy is dependent on knowing the other person. It is necessary to be curious about them, because otherwise you cannot know them at depth. When you are deeply intimate with someone it feels as though you are only with yourself, the feeling is that comfortable.
It is important to share our desires, dreams and fears. Ideally, we can share all of our secrets. With intimacy we can take liberties with the other person, for example asking uncomfortable questions or calling them names, without causing offence. We can show our vulnerabilities and weaknesses, which we normally hide from other people, perhaps even from ourselves. When there is an intimate connection these sensitive matters can be explored and clarified, perhaps removing some of their sting.
Our capacity for intimacy is dependent on our emotional depth and on our ability to access the recesses of our own psyche. This enables us in turn to follow the other person into their own depths. Also necessary is listening with empathy.
With intimacy we can divulge our stupid or speculative thoughts, our foibles and phobias, as well as admitting our worst mistakes and failures. When someone can do this, it disarms the other person, creating closeness. Crucial to intimacy is that we be authentic, meaning that we show our inner selves, exposing ourselves to judgement. Of course, this entails risk, as the other person can hurt us, be indifferent or misunderstand. However, in general the risk is justified, as the alternative is to isolate ourselves. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is, paradoxically, a strength, as it takes courage to reveal what is wounded or hurting inside.
In a romantic relationship, intimacy allows us to discuss our sexual fantasies, which are intensely private, engendering closeness. However, it is a common mistake to identify intimacy with a sexual relationship. Intimacy can happen between close friends and even between strangers. It can occur in any context where both people are being fully genuine and open about what matters to them. On the other hand, one can be physically intimate, ie connect sexually, without any feelings of emotional connection. Affection is probably a better indication of intimacy than sex.