Mark Manson wrote an article entitled Every Successful Relationship Is Successful for the Same Exact Reasons. It summarises the lessons shared by people in happy long-term relationships, compiled from the responses of almost 1,500 people. His article is rather long: but here is my capsule summary, with comments.
The first tenet, to be together for the right reasons, is so obvious I would not bother to state it.
The second, to be realistic, is just as obvious and hardly worth stating.
The third, that respect is the most important ingredient, makes excellent sense. Without respect there cannot be love.
The fourth, the importance of communication, is hard to disagree with.
The fifth, that a healthy relationship requires two healthy people is pretty obvious.
The sixth, to give each other space is correct. If you stifle the other person, how can that work?
The seventh, that both people will change and that this must be embraced, is also pretty obvious.
The eighth, that you need to argue in a good way is also pretty obvious.
The ninth, to forgive, is common sense.
The tenth, that little things add up, both the good and the bad, is also common sense.
The eleventh, is that sex matters. Now they tell me! I should have read this 40 years ago.
The twelfth, setting rules for the relationship. I'm not too sure about this one.
The thirteenth, that you need to accept the ups and downs, is also pretty obvious.
To summarise, I think that nearly all of the statements labour the obvious. They can be arrived at just by using common sense, without any in-depth experience. The only one I have doubts about is #12.
There were bits of the article I disagreed with, eg that loving someone means you don't try to change them. Rubbish! Not only do we want the other person to change in order to suit us, but at times we want them to change precisely because we love them, ie for their own good.
A friend made an intelligent comment that had eluded me:
"I agree with you that most of the points seem common sense and obvious. But I think people may take them for granted because they are so obvious and hence fail to implement them. Second, they are obvious to you in your late sixties. It may not have been so in your twenties and thirties. Most of these points are not obvious and common sense when you are young, libidinous, and self-absorbed. So, it may be a good idea to make clear the obvious. As Daniel Kahneman said, 'we are not as rational as we think'. I have seen in my own extended family, a lot of couples making a lot of the above mistakes for decades, making no changes in their behavior. The reason seems always that the ego gets in the way. Each person looks at changing their behavior as a defeat. So, the obvious is still so difficult to apply."
On reflection, I decided my friend was right. The obvious is not obvious to everyone. Moreover, something being obvious can actually cause us to neglect it, though this seems paradoxical.
I tried to work out how many I would have known at age 22 say, ie three years into our relationship. One - yes. Two - probably. Three - yes. Four - yes. Five - probably. Six - probably. Seven - don't know. Eight - not sure. Nine - yes. Ten - not sure. Eleven - yes. Twelve - no. Thirteen - probably. That works out as something like 70%. Of course, it is difficult to remember what I thought 46 years ago. It is hard not to colour my memories with how I see things now.
So this confirms my friend's opinion, that although something may be obvious at an advanced age, it may not be obvious early on.
One more comment from my wise friend, "That failure in relationships is more common than success points to the conclusion that relationships are more difficult than we give them credit for." So it is probably worth stating the obvious. Actually, this parallels a lesson I have learnt from my relationship, namely that what is obvious to one partner may be far from obvious to the other. That's why dropping hints is not an effective way to get your partner to do something.
For what it's worth, here is what kept Carla and me happily together for decades:
People sometimes ask me what made our love last so many years. Perhaps the three main things were: putting each other first, communicating, and living the relationship one day at a time - making no plans or commitments. It helped a lot that we have similar backgrounds and temperament, plus that both of us are mild characters. Sex and affection ensured continuing closeness over the years. Decades later, our intimacy is deeper and one side-effect is that we have both lost the ability to tolerate discord between us. This means we need to resolve disagreements quickly, and we do so. Overall, my experience suggests that if you take care of the essentials then a relationship will get better over time. Perhaps the best thing about our relationship now is that there is no rubbish between us - no carry-over of resentment, unmet expectation or rancour from the past.