Masculine and Feminine

In days gone by, a man was masculine, a woman feminine, and that was that. More recently, both terms have acquired negative connotations. Masculinity became associated with toxic machismo, whereas femininity came to be seen as weak, passive and subservient. Now that gay marriage and trans-gender are familiar parts of the social landscape, this opens up new perspectives.

Some have argued that both terms are obsolete. Yet masculinity has positive aspects - getting things done, being logical, strong and assertive. Femininity has the positive aspects of compassion, gentleness, and receptivity, not to mention emotional intelligence. However, we need to remember that a man may exhibit feminine qualities, and vice versa. Arguably, we all need a synthesis of masculinity and femininity.

I wonder how we now see masculinity and femininity and whether we still identify with them.

On the superficial level, ie in regard to looks, most women wear pants these days. Nor is seeing men with long hair unusual. In our day, the boundaries of dress and behaviour for the sexes have become fluid and unclear. At a psychological level, women are more assertive than in the past, whereas men take a more active part in caring for children than fifty years ago. Besides which, women can be simultaneously feminine and strong, whereas men can be masculine and at the same time sensitive and gentle.

It seems to me that male and female minds are not radically different, and that each sex can learn from the other. In particular, men can increase their emotional intelligence and connect with other people as women do. For their part, women could fuss less about trivial problems and not obsess about dirt. Besides which, they could joke more.

A minor, but perhaps telling difference between the sexes, is that women will often go to the toilet together in a restaurant. Men almost never do.

The physical differences have to be the starting point for understanding the psychological ones. The male is bigger, stronger and has larger internal organs. He is better adapted to hunting and fighting. Sex-related physical differences are another factor. Child-bearing and child rearing are obviously important. So is the division of roles, which probably stems back to prehistory. Then there is the burden of conditioning, which perpetuates sexual prejudices, chiefly against females. This stems from the male hegemony of religious and secular power, plus our long history of wars. Feminism has sought to negate these prejudices, but it is at best, a work in progress.

The table below is intended to categorise the differences between masculine and feminine modes, giving the positive and negative versions of a number of qualities for both styles. Please note that I do not claim that women possess all the qualities labelled feminine, nor that men possess all the masculine ones. Each man or woman partakes of some of the qualities in every column, at least at times. That includes displaying counter-sexual qualities, eg a woman may be brave, and a man caring.

The table attempts to characterise the differences between men and women. As such, it is very much a generalisation and no doubt will cause much disagreement. How do I know that males and females are generally like this? I don't, but it represents my best guess. It is based on my own experiences, on introspection, on what I have picked up from other people, on stories I've read, on romcoms, on folklore, on myths, plus a few snatches from neuroscience. It follows that these ideas are fundamentally subjective and open to debate and criticism.

For both sexes, each negative trait has a linked positive quality. This echoes the view that every strength a person has is coupled with a weakness, and vice versa. Further, the other sex has a corresponding strength and weakness, so that masculine and feminine complement each other. Hopefully, the overall impression given is that masculine and feminine are different but equal.

I don't expect anyone to agree with every entry, though hopefully, it will trigger deja vu feelings in most people. I have done my best to be even-handed, yet any such list is necessarily unbalanced. It is difficult to completely avoid both sexism and over-compensation for sexism, not to mention one's personal biases. My hope is that someone reading this will examine the general thrust of these categories, rather than focusing on a few that they think are dead wrong.

Masculine		Feminine
negative	positive	negative	positive
aggressive	authoritative	shy/timid	considerate
boastful	confident	spacey/flaky	OK with the unknown
dominant	goal-oriented	submissive	social
vain	self-assured	busy-body	good listener
brazen	courageous	frightened	prudent
egotistical	debonair	low self-esteem	humble
violent	protective	squeamish	soothing
act without thinking	physical	think without acting	reflective
clumsy	decisive	indecisive	tactful
overly logical	easy going	illogical	outgoing
indifferent	ambitious	nosy	attentive
combative	funny	obsessive	caring
defiant	active	passive	perceptive
argumentative	action oriented	hysterical	responsive
compulsive	indefatigable	fragile	graceful
ignoring emotions	solving problems	creating problems	emotionally intelligent
non-verbal	spatial reasoning	complaining	verbal skills
cut off from feeling	stoical	over-emotional	empathic
insensitive	assertive	unassertive	sensitive
ignoring nuances	focussed	fussing over details	attention to detail
bossy	leadership	helpless	helpful

The first fifteen lines of this table are a modified version of the one given here. The rest are my own concoction.

The benefit of the above list is that it helps us see that nearly all human qualities have positive and negative sides. This makes it easier to appreciate the person we are in a relationship with, because it puts the source of any annoyance or alienation in perspective. The School of Life writes, "We should always strive to see people's weaknesses as the inevitable downside of certain merits that drew us to them, and from which we will benefit at other points (even if none of these benefits are apparent right now). What we're seeing are not their faults, pure and simple, but rather the shadow side of things that are genuinely good about them. We're picking up on weaknesses that derive from strengths."

Because women are more complex, men like to hide behind the myth that it is impossible to understand females. I know some males who have no idea why their wives left them. I'm sure the women told them, many times, but that the men dismissed their complaints as unimportant or "just emotional".

Women wonder why men don't grow up. According to the School of Life, "Given how immature every adult necessarily remains, some of the moves we execute with relative ease around children must forever continue to be relevant when we're dealing with another grown-up."

Both sexes would do well to remember that human nature is layered, and that strengths and weaknesses are necessarily connected.

All daddy wanted... As an addendum, here are twenty-three more qualities I thought of:

Masculine		Feminine
negative	positive	negative	positive
cynical	realistic	unrealistic	innocent
intolerant	principled	sentimental	tolerant
stubborn	disciplined	wishy-washy	flexible
too technical	resolute	gossiping	thoughtful
rigid	firm	over-protective	supportive
unthinking conformity	loyal	over-value consensus	cooperative
sterile	orderly	dreamy	creative
vengeful	upright	indulgent	merciful
undomesticated	good provider	petty	clean
robotic	logical	vague	intuitive
blunt	honest	devious	subtle
risk-taking	inventive	insecure	serene
impulsive	proactive	pedestrian	peaceful
pedantic	diligent	flighty	vivacious
rough	tough	delicate	gentle
self-righteous	ethical	lax	forgiving
sarcastic	incisive	catty	wise
alienated	objective	depressive	understanding
reactive	energised	anxious	receptive
angry	strong	resentful	motivated
simple-minded	straightforward	complex	deep
not ask for help	self-reliant	not self-reliant	asks for help
egocentric	individualistic	mousey	wanting to please