THE PERFECT DAY - for her
(Attributed to Anon)
8.15am Wake up to hugs and kisses
8.30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly-squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10.00 Light work-out at club with handsome and funny personal trainer
10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow-dry
12.00 Lunch with best friend at a fashionable outdoor cafe
12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notice she has gained 7kg
1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3.00 Nap
4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4.15 Light work-out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full-length mirror
7.30 Candle-lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners and dancers
9.00 Hot shower (alone)
9:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, lavender scented, white linen)
10.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
10.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY - for him
6.00am Alarm
6.01 Blow job
6.30 Massive, satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
7.30 Stretch limo arrives
7.45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport
9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9.30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9.45 Play front nine (2 under)
11.45 Lunch: pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12.15 Blow job
12.30 Play back nine (4 under)
2.15 Limo back to the airport (several whiskeys)
2.30 Fly to Monte Carlo
3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all-female crew (all nude)
4.30 Land world-record Marlin (1,234lbs) on light tackle
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
6.45 Shit, shower and shave
7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised
7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by icecream served on a pair of tits
9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch international match of the day; England beating Germany 11-0
9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)
11.00 Massage and jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale
11.30 A night-cap blowjob
11.45 In bed alone
11.50 A 12-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room