Six Infidelities

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh, it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths' and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Analysis
The method is due to Koestler, who stated that humour relies on the collision of incompatible frames of reference.

2) Two beautiful girls: Ingredients: adultery, vanity. Refence frames: pride vs adultery and his vs hers. It is funny because the wife trumps her husband's flippant question and in so doing deflates his vanity.

3) The Stiff: Ingredients: monster penis, mutilation, death, sex. Reference frames: secret adultery vs voyeuristic mutilation, ie hers vs his. Each surprises the other as the two frames clash. The severed member causes a collision between the different reference frames of the man and his wife. It is funny because the wife derails our expectations, changing the story entirely.

4) The Statue: Ingredients: deception, sex, courtesy. Reference frames: his vs hers and courtesy vs the expected drama. It is funny because, as in the golf story, our expectation of drama and recrimination has been thwarted, even stood on its head.

5) The Bar: Ingredients: sex, money, pun. Reference frames: adultery and business. It is funny because the pun collides the two frames unexpectedly.

6) Poison: Ingredients: death, sex, murder, deception, honesty. Reference frames: adultery vs revenge and his vs hers. It is funny because the wife derails our expectations while trumping the husband's revelation. Also, the contradiction between her solicitude in telling him to rest and her deadly intent. What adds to the humour is the irony that he is divulging a secret because he is dying, and dying because of the same secret.

Common Themes

a) There is a rebound in all. In #1 the wife's conviction that she knows her husband is her undoing. In #2 the husband's vanity plays the same role. In #3 the wife trumps the grisly exhibit. In #4 the cuckolded husband has the last word. In #5 we learn that the philandering owner is being punished. In #6 the husband's revelation is trumped by the wife.

b) There are radically different perspectives among the actors in all. In all except #1, one person has secret knowledge that gives them the punchline.

c) All have an unexpected resolution, ie our expectations are derailed .

d) There is absurd but convincing logic in all.