Still the Dinosaur

The complete collection.



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Version #1
When she woke, the dinosaur was still there. How could she have spent more than ten thousand dollars for this outsize bronze statue that she now fully realised was both ugly and useless? Fernanda became angry at herself. She felt like punishing someone, anyone, but it was entirely her own fault, with no-one else to blame. What to do? The market for used dinosaurs was severely restricted, even in New York. To ship it to the Middle East would cost too much.

While reading the sales docket a sentence gave her hope. "If you are not entirely satisfied with your purchase then you can ask for a refund. Conditions apply." The conditions covered thirty-two pages. Near the middle, she read, "It is necessary that you are fully cognisant of all these conditions, including this one. We recommend that you engage an expert lawyer, at your own expense."

Version #2
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. However, his bed had also changed. Now it was golden with a silver net and Egyptian columns sporting blue leaves. "Such bad taste!", he thought. Next to him lay a comely blond woman whom he did not know. She was either a stranger or his partner, much changed.

Looking through the window the street looked different. At first he could not tell what had changed. His car was still the same colour, and still had six wheels, as it had for some days. Instead of the old oak there were now two palms of medium height. The house on the right had changed colour from blue to green with black stripes and now featured a tower without battlements.

He consulted the internet to find out where his workplace had shifted to. Normally, it moved every ten days or so, but there was no schedule. He discovered that his office was now below ground, in a Venetian glass guarded by two immense sharks.

Version #3
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. The tyrannosaurus rex stood guard just outside the cave, waiting for him. The trapped animal was afraid. Like the rex, he felt intense hunger, though for leaves, rather than meat. Nothing grew inside the cave and he could not leave it.

The sun crossed the sky without change. At dusk, the animal heard a noise further inside the cave. Wings. He followed them and after some minutes he saw a ray of light. The cave had another exit...

Version #4
When she woke, the dinosaur was still there. The coelurosaur had not slept all night in order to protect the princess from the powerful witch. The witch had long jet black hair, almost navy blue. She was very pretty because she used her powers to make herself attractive to men. The princess - we must admit - was ugly indeed, as she came from a royal line that suffered from much inbreeding. However, this did not matter to the dinosaur, who was dependably loyal and in addition, somewhat short-sighted.

The witch wanted to steal the magic key which the princess wore on her neck. Spells did not work on the dinosaur because he was too ancient and primitive. Watching from a distance, the witch noticed that the dinosaur was very sleepy. Just in time, a servant brought a coffee for the reptile. The witch became enraged and decided to seek an easier victim.

Version #5
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. He had worked all night, but the experiment was a huge success. Twenty years of frustration were not in vain. The dinosaur was not imaginary! Gene modification was not a blind alley, as the other scientists believed. The key was to use the genes of the animal closest to the extinct dinosaurs, ie the ostrich, and then to modify them until successful.

Esteban carefully picked up the animal, which was the size of a domestic cat. He said, "Size does not matter", consoling himself with the favourite saying of his mother. In his mind, Esteban was already writing the paper announcing his discovery, however, the dinosaur jumped out of his hands, leapt out the window and disappeared.

Version #6
When I woke, the dinosaur was still there. "Hold on!", I thought, "Dinosaurs don't exist any more. I must be dreaming and it was a false awakening." I forced myself to stay calm, because too much excitement makes you wake up. To continue the lucid dream you have to stay calm, but not too calm, because that makes you lapse into normal dreaming, when you don't know you are dreaming. Forcing myself to stay calm, I approached the tyrannosaurus rex, without fear, because there is no danger in a dream. I tried to touch it, but the animal disappeared and I found myself back in my bed, late for work. What a let-down!

Version #7
When she woke, the dinosaur was still there. Her new-found ability to create things solely with her mind was truly real! She became hugely excited, thinking of the wonderful things she could do with her new powers. For instance, to create her perfect man. Esperanza thought of immediately telephoning all her friends. However, she was also a little afraid. A dinosaur over two metres high could be dangerous. She watched him with intense concentration before approaching a little. The dinosaur had never seen a human being before and was just as curious about her as she about him. He proved friendly, and in addition, was a strict vegetarian for health reasons.

Version #8
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. It was the fourth day since his death. Lobsang struggled to recall what he had read in the ancient Tibetan Book of the Dead. This was the phase of meeting the horrible demons, who provoke terror. However, this knowledge was theoretical. It did not dispel the fear that had invaded his disembodied body. The tyrannosaurus rex roared like a hundred angry lions and his teeth, dripping blood, were terrible. Lobsang tried to escape the animal, but there was nowhere to go. The dinosaur came so close that he smelt its fetid breath. The moment the reptile touched him, it vanished. However, a worse demon appeared in its place. Lobsang nearly died of terror, and in that very moment he was born as a baby.

Version #9
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. The sauropod was vivid, with every scale a different colour, and these changed constantly as it exhaled purple fire. The air was saturated with rainbows that vibrated in rhythm with the pulsating music. Pablito's body shook violently; his heart was a pneumatic drill. He felt totally dazed but at the same time more sensitive than ever before. A wave of pleasure rose up through his entire body, like a river in flood.

Behind the sauropod he noticed the golden light emanating from God himself. "I would like to know the purpose of my life" he asked the light. "Omm" was the reply. "But I don't know what omm means. Please explain." "Omm means..."

Darkness fell, as if the machine supporting the universe had lost power. His elevated state collapsed into depression, accompanied by headache. LSD does not last.

Version #10
When I woke, the dinosaur was still there. My brother trembles from the cold and is visibly dying. It constricts my heart to see him suffer so. The asteroid impact was a disaster that our people would not be able to survive. My brother and I are almost the only survivors in the whole world. I am devastated, not only that our people will all die, but that our ancient and rich culture will disappear without trace. I too feel the severe cold, not having seen the sun for over a year. The planet is dying with us. All that will remain will be our bones, and even these will become fossils. Who will discover them?

Version #11
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. "Get out!" he shouted, to no avail, as usual. Being 22 metres long, the brontosaurus ignored the puny human. The cabbage field was devastated, with just the occasional leaf among the deep ruts. He kicked the animal with all his might but the brontosaurus did not even notice the attempted insult. "Those goddamn greenies and their biodiversity! They should all be shot!" "Can't do that, greenies are also a protected species." his wife rejoined.

Version #12
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. "Dammit, Janet!" quoth the time-traveller to his girlfriend. "That plesiosaur won't leave her eggs for even five minutes." "Maybe we should fast-forward a day or so?" "No, I think we just have to be patient. This unborn babe is worth a million dollars. All the best zoos and universities will outbid each other for our prize specimen, a living and breathing dinosaur."

"I've got an idea. Let's collect firewood and build a fire near the dinosaur to frighten it off." They went in search of wood, but there was none in the vicinity. Soon they were lost in the thicket. Worse than that, the time machine was programmed to return automatically to the present time after a week. "We are done for, Janet. We'll not get out of here alive."

And that folks, is how began the homo sapiens line.

Version #13
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. He had waited the whole night on the staircase. When the office opened at eleven (this was in Spain), he was the first to enter. By then the queue extended all the way around the block, like a snake swallowing its own tail. "Do you want to be the first?" "Yes, sir! My partner planned to be with me, but he was doing his nails almost the whole night, and fell asleep."

The new law transformed society, so that just a few years later, dinosaurs were no longer born. That's my theory, anyway.

Author's note: This story is not entirely fictitious. When my mother heard about the proposal to legalise gay marriage she said that it would cause the end of the human race.

Version #14
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. This was in November 1938, Munich, on a wet Friday evening, and fun was hard to come by. He had fallen asleep at the cabaret during a particularly boring dinosaur act. His slumber was broken because she was now screeching like a soprano deep-throating. Unable to bear it any more, and bewailing the waste of 1,000,000 deutsche marks, he staggered out into the frigid air, tripping and almost falling into a deep puddle in front of the gaudy entrance. In the tram he noticed that nearly all those in uniforms were dinosaurs, a recent change. The driver, conductor and doorman were dinosaurs of one type or another. Being uninterested, he was not familiar with the scientific names. As he alighted from the carriage, a large squadron of pterosaurs passed high above him, in strict formation. Just before collapsing fully clothed on the bed, he glanced in the mirror and noticed that scales were beginning to form around his eyes.

Version #15
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. Four brontosauruses were peacefully grazing nearby. He didn't know it, but he was dreaming that he was a pastoralist, raising the huge beasts for the verdigris they produced, which fetched $1,000 per kilo. The brontosauruses' stomachs were sensitive to the slightest impurity in the leaves they feasted on, so they vomited often and copiously. He collected the proceeds in buckets.

One leviathan was sleeping with eyes open, as evolution had neglected to provide eyelids. He stared into the unseeing eye, the size of a saucer. It was moving in the typical REM pattern of dreaming. Mesmerised, he felt something pulling him inside.

Suddenly, he was within the dream of the brontosaurus. The landscape was verdant and tropical. A figure approached him. It was a blonde woman, looking like a model air hostess in the employ of Scandinavian Airlines back in the nineteen-sixties. She produced a gold coin and held it up near his face. In it he saw his own inner nature, a terrifying Tyrannosaurus Rex. The shock woke him, dissolving both dreams.

She was relieved to see she was female and not a brutish male as in the nightmare, and that she was in bed, not in some dinosaur-infested landscape.

Version #16
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. It was a time in the near future, the fateful year 2026. It had been the longest night. The cardinals were arguing disagreeably until 5 am, when even the youngest, being just 80, fell asleep. The smoke remained black until three, when the stegosaur's election surprised everyone. No-one had voted for him, but he was the most frequent second preference, as nobody had thought he stood a chance.

How could a reptile become Pope? It was almost as bad as Trump becoming president.

Unlike his predecessors, Pope Saurus I was not learned. Having missed out on some 200 hundred million years of evolution, he was not an expert on canon law, could not argue subtle points of dogma, nor address the philosophical issues confronting the Church. Saurus I was simple-minded, taking a literal interpretation of the injunctions to be truthful, not to harm others, and to eschew wealth. He called in a team of honest accountants from Switzerland to audit Vatican finances. Naturally, they uncovered graft on a massive scale. He defrocked priests guilty of molesting minors, as well as the bishops who had covered up for them.

In consequence, Saurus I was extremely unpopular with the Vatican hierarchy. He was accused of being cold-blooded and inhuman, which was true. They called Saurus "666" behind his back. Before long, there was the first attempt on his life. The poisoned mushrooms did not effect his digestion. All the poisons traditionally used at the Vatican proved ineffective. Another problem was his natural armour-cladding. Worse yet, from the point of view of the would-be popicides, was the infallibility bestowed by his appointment.

Since he was so difficult to eliminate, the Vatican hierarchy began a campaign of civil disobedience, which escalated into full-blown conflict.

So it came to pass that the papal conclave of 2026 created the Beast and triggered the final Armageddon. We only have six years till the end of time.

Version #17
When she woke, the dinosaur was still there. Although the renegade abbot clutching the wheel of the stolen Porsche was cresting illegal speeds, the horned and feathered dinosaur, pedalling furiously on her 12-speed pushbike, was keeping up. In fact, the gap was narrowing alarmingly. To compensate for the budget freeze, the police force had intensified their training and personal development programmes, to the point where it was paying off in more arrests, and hence more revenue. As well as more speed, especially from the dinosaur corps.

The back seat of the apple-green Porsche, was - as in all such prestige sports models - designed for two average-sized midgets. Hence the red-headed Playboy bunny in the rear could barely breathe, being wedged between two Zen monks in their characteristic milk-chocolate brown robes. Nevertheless, she was resuming consciousness, and with a crashing migraine, brought on by too many margaritas. One of the monks quickly dashed off a handful of mantras and a creme brule for her, using his portable ghee-burning stove, which produced a yellow flame. Feeling better, her anxiety now returned. "I rang in sick to the club where I work, so I can't afford to be caught out. We need a plan B."

As they passed through a field of tall sunflowers, the thinnest of the monks, sitting in the front, entered deep but wide-eyed meditation. After a pause he addressed his superior, "Your holiness, I suggest that we bail out on the next bridge, just where the sign says to keep right."

"Yes indeed, we must keep right and then go with the flow," intoned the driver-abbot. So saying, he swung the vehicle violently to the right, clearing the balustrade with ease. Once airborne, the advanced automobile automatically released its parachute, and they gently floated down to the green river hundreds of metres below.

At the moment of touchdown, the bunny achieved simultaneous orgasm and enlightenment. The fate of the monks is unknown.

Version #18
When she woke, the dinosaur was still there.

Even in primary school, Sora had a reputation for eccentricity. While the other youngsters were playing noisily, she would sit alone, contemplating clouds. In high school, Sora was seen as withdrawn and snobbish, which was unfair. She dropped out of university to travel to India.

Sora hitch-hiked up the Ganges, meeting like-minded souls. In the foothills of the Himalayas, there are sacred caverns. Here she sought out the holy hermits. Sri Vashnaprayama was famous for his wisdom. Sora trekked for a week to reach his cave. She waited five hours outside his cave, as he emerged but once daily. When he appeared, he asked what he could do for her.

"I want to know the meaning of my life. There has to be more to it than eating, working and procreating."
"Yes, there is."
"What then should a dinosaur like me do?"
"My advice is simple. Go to seek my guru, Sri Mahasaurus. He lives just a few days away, deeper in the Himalayas."

Sora repacked her rucksack and resumed her journey.

Sri Mahasaurus proved a disappointment, as he merely referred her to his own guru, Sri Maha-Mahasaurus, who lived further up into the ice. Trembling from the cold, Sora approached the cave of the most venerable sage. It was night-time and he was sleeping in the cave entrance.

When she woke, the dinosaur was still there.

"What is the meaning of life?" she asked the severely weathered dryosaurus.
"For me, it is to sit here and wait."
"Why?"
"Because people like you come with questions. They give me the comforting knowledge that they know nothing, like me."

Version #19
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. Roland rubbed hard at his eyes, but the image in the mirror refused to alter. It was still a theropod, probably a ceratosaur, he thought grimly. "This should not happen to a palentologist. I must have brought it on by falling asleep while reading Kafka's Metamorphosis. This is a case of nature copying art."

The mirror showed a being even more grotesque than the popular reconstructions of dinosaurs. Roland was aghast. He ran out into the street, causing panic on the pavement. Soon the police came and caught him in a net. Roland tried to explain it was a mistake but only guttural growls issued from his mouth. He was placed in a holding cage intended for wild beasts.

A TV crew and a science reporter were quick to arrive. The reporter announced that an extinct dinosaur, a sauropodomorph, had been discovered, and that the scientific world was abuzz. "Idiot! I don't look remotely like a sauropodomorph." thought Roland. Being unable to speak, all he could do was shake his head emphatically. This caused the science writer to comment that dinosaurs probably shook their heads like this in order to see better.

Roland chanced to look at the man's wrist. Instead of a watch, he wore an hourglass. It looked wrong, stirring something in his mind. Then it happened - lucidity. He realised he was dreaming. Excited, he tore through the bars of the cage and flew right through a wall. But then, the exhilaration of flying proved too much, dissolving the dream.

When he woke, the dinosaur was still there in the mirror.

Version #20
When she woke, the dinosaur was still there. Being sleepy, she lay down again in the nest, her feathers settling flat against her hexagonally marked skin.

When she woke, the dinosaur was no longer there. "I hope mum will come back soon," she thought, with a tinge of anxiety. As it turned out, mum was absent for longer than the Cretaceous Age.

Arasaura hibernated for an eon, waking to find a changed world. School was a shock - the regimentation, rote learning, the cruelty of the human youngsters. She was classed as a slow learner and her self-esteem plummeted. She wasn't even good at sport, nor could she make friends, as her brain was not designed for human language.

Of course, everything changed when she met the talent scout from Universal Studios.

Version #21
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. Every night he retired to bed disconsolate. Each morning as he woke, he hoped for that incomparable relief that would flood him each time he was released from a nightmare, especially one without any hope. But this morning was no different from the day before. The Dinosaur Tyrant was still there, giving orders and bullying everyone. Worse yet, the dinosaur had attempted (but luckily failed), to start a war with Iran.

Turning on the TV spun his mind into deep despair. The dinosaur decreed that every household must burn tyres in order to clear the air for his re-election.

The next evening, as he was falling asleep, he was hoping against all expectation that he could wake from the DT nightmare. Yet the next day the dinosaur passed a law to criminalise all reporting that was not dinosaur-friendly. Finally, the dinosaur began the construction of The Great Wall between the Unlimited Estates and Canada. This was to prevent the smuggling of sanity-preserving drugs across the border.

Version #22
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there, rearing up in the middle of the room. It had always been there. It had been there before this room, had been there even in the first house. Before that it had resided in caves, keeping us company, always.

Version #23
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. A squad of aerial piglets passed high above the tree tops. A giraffe, a sheep and a cockroach walked into the bar, discussing the relative merits of Heidegger and Nietzsche. The laws of probability had just been abolished and these were the initial indications. Everyone who bought a ticket won the lottery, as well as some who didn't; the last casino went bankrupt within the hour. Money and goods flowed abundantly in unprecedented ways.

Universal peace broke out. Then everything disappeared into a singularity. Only the smile of the Cheshire Cat remained.

Version #24
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. "Now do I look human again?" asked the psychiatrist. "No, you are still a dinosaur." replied the patient on the couch. "It looks like you need another session of hypnosis to cure you of this delusion. However, our time is up. Please settle your account with the receptionist." "You are kidding me. I'm not gonna pay money to an extinct reptile. I'm outa here!"

Version #25
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. The pterodactyl was dictating an email to his niece, who was holidaying in Gaza. She had asked whether the water was safe to drink. An internet search revealed that the water was safe for most species of dinosaurs, provided it was boiled and unchlorinated. The secretary hit Send. However, the message never arrived because just then a giant asteroid hit the earth, wiping out all the dinosaurs, as well as their internet.

Version #26
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. "Jesus! Get moving, cursed beast! What are you doing?" shouted the trainer from Queretaro, as after the last bat, daybreak in full radiance unveiled the beauty of Santander. The dinosaur woke hung-over. In truth, thanks to the dream in which he was playing soccer with his brothers, he had a feeling of longing for the friendship of his family, for happiness and affection, unlike the dislike of his tormentor. However, the reptile's spirit wanted to please his mother and freedom was less important to his soul than loyalty. Without investigating, he reared up with much murmuring. Ethereal and ineffable, a double rainbow inspired the dinosaur to gallop confidently to where his team was waiting.

"Let us dance, ladies!" ordered the abbess. The sauropods began the tango with the nuns on their backs.

Version #27
When she woke, the dinosaur was still there. This is the problem with internet dates, she said to herself. She had hoped that he'd be more appealing after her hangover receded, but now he was even more reptilian. Daylight emphasised his scales in an unflattering manner and how could she have missed the claws? His snores were louder than those of any human and he broke wind with alarming explosions that reeked of the Jurassic. Freed from the haze of alcohol she felt a familiar desperation. Weren't there any evolved males for a woman like her, or would she have to settle for a lower life-form? She resolved to never again swipe on Tinder while blind drunk.

Version #28
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. At the end of a demanding day he had fallen asleep after signing in the last pair, ie zebras, for the craft. "You can't come," he told the reptile, "You were not created by God but by the Devil". Unable to answer, the pair of theropods flapped their sodden wings in unison to emphasise their desire to embark, but to no avail.

The craft set sail in heavy rain and near darkness, allowing the dark theropods to alight on the roof unnoticed, and this is the true reason why only the winged dinosaurs survived till modern times.

Version #29
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. Raul turned to the co-pilot, "I know it sounds crazy, but they had the money, so why not?" It was the inaugural tourist flight to another planet, Mars. The only passengers were the turiasauria couple, who had liquidated their extensive assets to pay for the transit. Both were visibly moved as the craft prepared to touch down on the red planet. "We are delighted to be here! I can't wait to touch the ground," announced the female, using the poly-translator fastened to her space suit.

When the dust settled and the hatch was opened the two reptiles stormed outside. "Good luck with the global warming! We prefer our chances here." So saying, the pair disappeared into a cave.

Version #30
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. Subramaniam well knew that Lord Vishnu assumed various forms according to his purposes. But why a dinosaur in the Westfield shopping mall? Tired from too many retail choices and the frenzy of Covid panic-buying, Subramaniam had fallen asleep on the thoughtfully provided couch. Now he watched the dinosaur groggily. It remained quite still. The other shoppers mostly ignored it. Some kids pointed to the beast, but their mothers pulled them away, rushing to attend to urgent business. Lord Vishnu was there for his benefit alone. The sundry meat-eaters milling around with weary faces were irrelevant to the spiritual situation. This was a key moment and he had to pay the closest attention. Liberation hung in the balance. "What must I do?", he asked the reptile.

A voice in his mind answered, "Your dharma is to shop. Though you know it is pointless to fight over toilet paper yet you must do it as a motiveless action. Do it for me."

Version #31
When she woke, the dinosaur was still there. A red-headed nun, called Habladora Esplendida, was the dinosaur's carer. The reptile did not want to eat because he was the last of his kind and so felt an acute loneliness. Both resided in a convent where the rule was that everyone had to speak for at least twenty hours per day. The din at the convent was similar to that at a typical Sydney restaurant, that is to say unbearable. The nuns were gradually becoming deaf, which further increased the volume.

Opposite the convent stood an army barracks, where the rules were equally strict. Even the high officers were not permitted to speak. All orders were given on small slips. A profound silence reigned, as all walked in socks, without shoes.

One day, the abbess asked Habladora Esplendida to find a monkey as a companion for the unhappy dinosaur. Esplendida fronted up at the barracks and asked the soldier, "I would like to borrow an adorable monkey." He was surprised to see a woman and was unaccustomed to hearing words, let alone from such a splendid nun. Thus the only word he caught was "adorable".

They married.

Version #32
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. He had fallen asleep in the dank and malodorous cavern, whose ceiling was covered with stalactite-like bats. The skeleton was almost complete and easy to expose by chipping away the congealed mud. Soron was sure that this was the legendary animal that was the most fearsome apex predator ever to stalk the planet. It had become extinct some 90 million years ago, when a major cataclysm engulfed the world, extinguishing most life-forms.

As he examined the fossil he struggled to imagine how this creature, with its small canines and puny claws, once dominated all seven continents, before unleashing the climate catastrophe that caused us dinosaurs to re-emerge.

Version #33
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. It was just a micro-sleep during the analysis, as the patient was rambling on. The psychiatrist resumed with, "All your problems are in your head."

"I can't fit in, I don't belong, I'm just too different from everyone else."

To show his displeasure he ate the psychiatrist.

Version #34
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. Having been a pharaoh, and now being deceased, he was entitled to attaining godhood. His passage in the solar barque was accompanied by the creature that served as both bodyguard and pet, an adolescent Tyrannosaurus. Osiris weighed his heart, even though this was gratuitous for pharaohs, who were assured of safe passage into the afterlife. However, the scales malfunctioned and the heart sank below the feather. Ammit, the lion-crocodile sprang towards the startled pharaoh. Naturally, the dinosaur was even quicker and bit off the head of the offending beast.

That is why the ancient ritual fell into disuse. Nowadays, when you die, you just cease to be.

Version #35
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. Odd, he thought. But it was only when he threw down the wet shower cap that he experienced his great realisation. The interval between the throw and the plonk was too long.

He was inside a simulation. A faulty one. Hence the dinosaur.

What about the pills? He chose the red pill, knowing this was the exit from the simulation. However, the pill was also part of the simulation. Escape was not possible.

Version #36
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. Though rusty, the bars were 10 cm thick, making escape from the cage impossible. Yet Stevan and Jorge felt far from secure. Avoiding the reptile's malign and watchful glare, Stevan pretended he was innocently adjusting his shoelaces, whereas he was hiding the metal pin inside his rainbow-coloured sock. The beast dozed off at ten and Jorge began working the lock, which was primitive. Soon, they were able to file past the prone reptile and into the hallway, which was empty.

Little did they know that the entire incident was a set-up for The Great Escape TV show.

Version #37
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. By falling through a fold in space-time, he had accidentally slipped into an alternative universe. In this universe, the asteroid had missed the earth and hence had not wiped out the non-avian dinosaurs. Being essentially nomadic and restless, the dinosaurs never created an agricultural revolution. Albert realised he could be the seed of a great advance. Soon, he had a small group of stegosauruses tending wheat plants. The rest was history.

As in another universe, it led to war, over-work, an unhealthy diet, pestilence and mass starvation.

Version #38
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. Although it was only a middling quadruped, Aldin was disturbed by its presence. Breaking the tension, his bald overseer entered the hall. It was time for his 100 litre enema, followed by a compulsory eight-hour lecture. Electric shocks encouraged him to stay alert and focus on the speaker. Then he was obliged to climb 2000 metres carrying bricks. Purgatory was no fun. Worse yet, his term was unlimited. How to get out?

The only way known to humankind was to memorise the Covenant, and this in Aramaic. The text was almost impossible to obtain, and its language, Aramaic, difficult to pronounce and remember. Aldin's hope was focused on his younger sibling, Balwyn, who was autistic and could remember reams of meaningless symbols. Since the three brothers were all professionals at breaking and entering, they could use their specialist skills in the quest for the Covenant. The dinosaur, being prehistoric, might give them a clue as to the whereabouts of the Ark. Accordingly, they kept careful watch on the reptile.

Unlike Heaven and Hell, Purgatory was not God's creation. Since it was an after-thought, the Deity gave the commission to an apprentice angel, who made a dog's breakfast of it. Some weeks skipped a Wednesday or Friday, there were worm-holes that linked distant parts, gravity often ran out, and the rabbits chased the tigers. However, it did its job of purifying polluted souls.

As the beast entered an underground labyrinth lit by fireflies, the three brothers followed at a safe distance. Presently, there was a glint of gold. The Ark? Predictably, a Tyrannosaurus Rex was guarding the chest. Of course, he ate the brothers, but it did not matter, since they were already dead. They exited Purgatory and were greeted at the pearly gates.

Version #39
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. She had been a good dinosaur, never hurting another creature except in self-defence or hunting for food. In fact, nearly all wild animals ended up here. Here being Heaven. Lorin too had led a moral life, though this was trickier for human animals than for the others. The superfluous complexity of the human brain caused myriad errors.

Now he could enjoy delicious food, warmth, comfort, sublime music, wonderful sex, and unspoiled nature. There was unlimited leisure time free of all tasks and worries. Of course, there was a catch. Disruptive behaviour was not tolerated in Heaven. The first infringement received a warning, the second a red card, and the third meant banishment to Limbo. Limbo was a murky, grey-green void, neither pleasant nor unpleasant, a state of suspended animation, much like the Buddhist nirvana, but without enlightenment.

Apart from the three strikes rule, Heaven held another down-side. Boredom. Boredom had been the greatest driver of human progress throughout earthly history. The problem in Heaven was not boredom itself, but the lack of creative avenues for channeling it productively. Of course, there were crafts and arts, but somehow these seemed no better than occupational therapy. There was nothing to strive for, no scope for achievement, no obstacles to overcome, no mysteries to ponder. The place was perfect and catered to every human need. The only exception was the need for mischief.

Lorin pondered how to bend the rules without breaking them. His rumination chanced upon an evil of human life that was not against the rules up here: gambling. The problem was that there was no money in Heaven and everyone had unlimited goods, so how could people gamble? Then a solution came: virtual currency. Each person who wanted to participate would be granted a million virtual dollars, noted on a sheet of paper. Then, as they lost or won the toss, this amount would be adjusted accordingly.

Even Lorin was surprised when the gambling bug swept through the denizens of Heaven like an epidemic of diarrhea, and with similarly debilitating results. No-one seemed immune, not even the saints and Apostles. Before long, some people were billionaires, whereas others were in debt. Guarding the reams of paper against unauthorised modification was a problem. Although the virtual dollars were without any use or value, people nevertheless prized them, as they were the only resource in all of Heaven that was limited.

pterosaur The entire venture went up in smoke when an unidentified arsonist torched the building housing the records. Heaven reverted to a state of happy vegetables.

Version #40
When I woke, the dinosaur was still there. The pterosaur had kept watch until dawn to ensure no-one would spy me hiding in the dense forest. Yesterday, we had slipped out of the camp unnoticed, with me shielded from sight by his wings, which spanned ten metres.

Nothing in holy scripture describes Hell in any detail, just a mention of fires and tortures. It does not say that the guards are carnivorous dinosaurs wearing Nazi uniforms. Whips, chains, fires, torture devices, all the usual accoutrements. Yet Hell also has a miraculous side. If an arm is cut off, or more often, bitten off, it would regrow within a few days. Even a head chomped by a Rex, would regenerate. So does skin stripped off by the ubiquitous conflagrations. The guards are gruff, brutal and casually violent. They embody the shadow side of monotheistic religion.

Yet one of the guards was different from the rest. He had a sad mien, so I began chatting to him. He appreciated the interest I showed in his troubles, his hatred of the job, his total lack of friends. Unexpectedly, we became friends. Some weeks later, we hatched a plan.

As the sun rose, we left the protective forest. Now we were confronted by the great barrier. A stone wall 5 km high, which separates Hell from the next territory. With no hesitation, my companion flexed his mighty wings and we were off. I held on tightly as he climbed steeply. Presently, we could see over the wall. He glided down and we landed softly on a bright green field. Wild tomatoes were growing all around in Purgatory. I paused to eat a tasty handful. There was not a whiff of the acrid fumes which constantly choked my lungs in Hell. Instead, there was the relative perfume of fresh manure.

Speaking of which, Purgatory is run by horses. They make people pull plows, grind corn, jump over barriers and race around meaninglessly pulling chariots. It is harder work than in Hell, but conditions are better. The horses, being herbivores, are not sadistic. It's just karma working itself out.

Why did I end up in Hell? you ask. There was the matter of an aggravated assault, which unfortunately resulted in death. Naturally, I bought indulgences that freed me of the sin. Or so I thought. How was I, an illiterate peasant, to know they were counterfeit ones?

A note on this story.

Version #41
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there.

"What are you doing here?" the long-necked sauropod asked.
"It might be because I am an agnostic."
"So you get lumped with us, supposedly dumb reptiles."
"You were born somewhat before the time of Christ, weren't you?"
"Sure. Anyway our kind did not have a lot of time for religion. We were more into raja yoga, astral travel, whirling, all that sort of thing."
"So where the hell are we here?"
flying dinosaur "Good question! The Almighty used to be pretty hard on people like you, who did not believe in Him. But over the ages, He mellowed a lot."
"Did He?"
"Yes, so instead of sending non-human animals and human non-believers to Limbo, or even Purgatory, if He was in a bad mood, He created this brand new realm."
"What's it called?"
"It's so new that humans don't even have a name for it. We call it grfwkuight, which is hard to pronounce without sauropod vocal cords."
"Is it like Limbo or Purgatory or Hell?"
"No, not like any of these. It's not like that at all. The Almighty is no longer the punitive and jealous God of old. He has recanted a lot of the bad stuff."
"Did he go to confession?"
"In a way, yes. He created a shadow copy of Himself that balanced out many of His more extreme views."
"And so?"
"No more sexism or homophobia. Better still, there is equality for sauropods and eoraptors, maybe even for bellusauruses."
"If this place is so recent, then how come you are here?"
"He closed Limbo."
"Really!"
"According to usually reliable theropod sources, He is considering even closing Purgatory. It's called de-cluttering."
"So if this place is not for punishment and purification then what purpose does garrght serve?"
"You mean grfwkuight. Good question, you're smart enough to be one of us."
"Thanks, I guess."
"I think He just got bored with things and felt the urge to create something new."
"Is it like an experiment?"
"Yes. Count yourself lucky."
"So what's this place like then?"
"Don't tell anyone I said this, but the GenZ youngsters are saying Heaven is blatantly boring. Mobiles are forbidden!"
"And so?"
"So the Almighty is experimenting with an alternative. If it works, He will phase out Heaven altogether."
"Wow!"
"He thought that creatures like you and me could serve as guinea pigs."
"And how do YOU like it?"
"It's got some teething problems, but I think the old guy is on the right track."
"How would you describe it in one word?"
"Recreational, or better, creative."

Version #42
When he woke, the dinosaur was still there. In fact, there were twelve of them, waiting patiently to be washed and fed in a large enclosure outside the city. Ariel had slumped over the dwindling sales figures. The market for pre-owned dinosaurs had suffered a down-turn after the Chinese rapid breeding programme came to fruition. Too many of the animals were waiting to be sold, requiring much care and resources, including accommodation for the huge beasts. What was he to do? He could not turn them out into the street, where they would cause traffic chaos. Even the gregarious talking reptiles, with brightly coloured feathers and elaborate head combs, who had intelligent speech, courtesy of AI implants, were no longer popular. The current fashion was for pterosaurs, which doubled up as private flying craft. They were not as luxurious or as fast as Lear jets, but considerably cheaper to own and run. In addition, they could take off and land almost anywhere, and like their smaller relatives, the birds, did not need to obey flight control.

Unfortunately, he did not have any pterosaurs and they were nearly impossible to obtain second-hand. Besides, he was a dinosaur man. What he needed was a new marketing angle for dinosaurs that would catch the public's imagination... He reflected on how people used to meet and pair up when they walked their dogs. Also, what did the virtual love-objects lack that could be provided? One morning, while showering, he had the answer. Since virtual AI-powered partners had taken over the romantic arena, people no longer formed relationships with other humans. Whereas the AI fulfilled peoples' mental and emotional needs, it neglected a key aspect: sex.

Ariel's bright idea was to make dinosaur walking the new match-making stratagem. The concept took hold, and the government, anxious about the flat-lined birthrate and its effect on politicians' future salaries, subsidised the industry generously. Before long, Ariel cleared all his stock. In fact, he missed having a bevy of cold-blooded companions. For their part, the dinosaurs were happy to socialise more.

All went swimingly until the asteroid spoiled the party for everyone.

Tad Boniecki
Updated July 2024

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