Under the influence of Romantic ideology, we got the idea that the true sign of a good union lies in emotions. This includes the sense that the other is "the one", that you understand one another perfectly and that you'd both never want to sleep with anyone else again. These ideas, though touching, have proved to be an almost sure recipe for the eventual dissolution of marriages - and have caused havoc in the emotional lives of millions of otherwise sane and well-meaning couples.
We are ready for marriage...
1. When we give up on perfection. We should not only admit in a general way that the person we are marrying is very far from perfect. We should also grasp the specifics of their imperfections: how they will be irritating, difficult, sometimes irrational, and often unable to sympathise or understand us... We must conclusively kill the idea that things would be ideal with any other creature in this galaxy. There can only ever be a "good enough" marriage.
2. When we despair of being understood. However much the other seems to understand us, there will always be large tracts of our psyche that will remain incomprehensible to them, to anyone else, and even to us. We shouldn't blame our lovers for a dereliction of duty in failing to interpret and grasp our internal workings. They are not tragically inept. They simply can't understand who we are and what we need - which is wholly normal. No one properly understands, and can therefore fully sympathise with, anyone else.
3. When we realise we are crazy. This is deeply counter-intuitive. We seem so normal and mostly so good. It's the others... But maturity is founded on an active sense of our own folly. We are out of control for long periods, we have failed to master our past, we project unhelpfully, we are permanently anxious. We are, to put it mildly, idiots. The benefit of this realisation is that we become more tolerant and understanding of our partner's foibles.
4. When we are ready to love rather than be loved. We should marry when we are ready to do the former and are aware of our immature fixation on the latter. When we say we long for love, what we predominantly mean is that we want to be loved as we were once loved by a parent. We want a recreation in adulthood of what it felt like to be ministered to and indulged. In a secret part of our minds, we picture someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want, be immensely patient and sympathetic to us, act selflessly and make it all better. This is - naturally - a disaster. For a marriage to work, we need to move firmly out of the child - and into the parental position. We need to become someone who will be willing to subordinate our own demands and concerns to the needs of another.
5. When we are ready for maintenance tasks. The Romantic person instinctively sees marriage in terms of emotions. But what a couple actually get up to together over a lifetime has much more in common with the workings of a small business. They must draw up work rosters, clean, chauffeur, cook, shop, fix, throw away, mind, reconcile finances and budget.
6. When we understand how love and sex are related. The Romantic view expects that love and sex will be aligned. But in truth, they won't stay so beyond a few months or, at best, one or two years. This is not anyone's fault. Because marriage has other key concerns (companionship, administration, children), sex will suffer. We are ready to get married when we accept a large degree of sexual resignation and the task of sublimation. Both parties must therefore scrupulously avoid making the marriage 'about sex'.
We must also, from the outset, plan for the most challenging issue that will, statistically-speaking, arise for us: that one or the other will have affairs. We are properly ready for marriage when we are ready to behave maturely around betraying and being betrayed. No one can be the victim of adultery and not feel that they have been found fundamentally wanting and cut to the core of their being. They will never get over it. It makes no sense, of course, but that isn't the point. Many things about us make little sense - and yet have to be respected. The adulterer has to be ready to honour and forgive the partner's extreme capacity for jealousy, and so must as far as is possible resist the urge to have sex with other people, must take every possible measure to prevent it being known if they do, and must respond with extraordinary kindness and patience if the truth does ever emerge.
On the other side of the equation, we should ready ourselves for betrayal. That is, we should make strenuous efforts to try to understand what might go through our partner's mind when they have sex with someone else. We immediately think that they are deliberately trying to humiliate us and that all their love has evaporated. The more likely truth - that our partner just wants to have more, or different, sex - is as hard to master as Mandarin or the oboe, and requires as much practice.
7. When we are happy to be taught and calm about teaching. We are ready for marriage when we accept that in certain very significant areas, our partners will be wiser, more reasonable and more mature than we are. We should want to learn from them. We should bear having things pointed out to us. At the same time, we should be ready to take on the task of teaching them certain things and like good teachers, not shout, lose our tempers or expect them simply to know. Marriage should be recognised as a process of mutual education.
8. When we realise we're not that compatible. The Romantic view of marriage stresses that the 'right' person means someone who shares our tastes, interests and general attitudes to life. This might be true in the short term. But, over an extended period of time, the relevance of this fades dramatically; because differences inevitably emerge. The person who is truly best suited to us is not the person who shares our tastes, but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently and wisely. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate difference that is the true marker of the 'right' person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn't be its precondition.
The full text of the SOL article is
here.
My comments
While I fully agree with points 4 and 7, I think the others are only partly true:
1. Yes, there is no such person as the perfect partner. However, I can vouch from experience that we can do far better than a "good enough" marriage or relationship.
2. True up to a point - we cannot expect to be fully understood. However, SOL is too pessimistic about the degree of mutual understanding in a relationship where communication is a high priority for both people.
3. This is exaggerated. "Crazy" is too strong a word. I'd prefer "unbalanced in a variety of ways" or "having hang-ups".
4. True, though the process of give and take should be roughly equal.
5. Partly true. SOL is right that running a household and bringing up kids is a complex and demanding enterprise. However, they seem to be arguing for the "team concept" of marriage. Yes, a marriage is a team, but it is also much more than that. To see it as
just a team is a cold-blooded approach that devalues what is most noble in human life, ie love.
6. This is unduly negative. Fortunately, in my case, sex and love have remained aligned over the decades. Nor has either of us had an affair.
7. True. It is a frustrating and never-ending process!
8. Partly true. A relationship is much easier if we have similar values, background, tastes in music and food, and enjoy similar activities. Sure, we have to make compromises and accommodate the other person, but it helps greatly if there is a lot of common ground. Nor is it true that this common ground need shrink over the years. On the contrary. The zones of overlap - the areas that give both partners stimulation and enjoyment - can be explored and deepened together. By sharing positive activities we enrich the relationship, as well as helping each other grow. While SOL is correct that we cannot share
all our interests and pastimes with our partner, there are many areas we can explore together. Especially fruitful are enlarging activities, such as travel, courses, dancing, reading and music.
Every couple has the choice between an active or passive approach to their relationship. The modern syndrome of busyness, caused by the competing demands of work, children, domesticity, outside interests and the weekly routine, makes many couples adopt a passive approach. They allow the relationship to just coast along. Yet no relationship can remain frozen in time. It will flourish or else it will atrophy. The divorce statistics should act as a warning. All depends on how high a priority we place on the relationship and how much effort we put into maintaining it. In fact, "maintenance" is too humdrum a term. Ideally, we need to invest energy, creativity and empathy to make it work better. We can cook a special breakfast for our partner, take the time to listen to their worries, or suggest a weekend getaway. The better we get to know them, the more we know how to please them. What do we lose by following a win-win strategy?
My favourite quote on marriage is that it is the only adventure open to the timid.
I don't think that SOL wants to downplay the importance of emotions in a relationship. Their intention is to wean us off the Romantic myth that simply by finding the "right" person our relationship will be easy and without problems. As well as the notion that the emotion called love is the answer to all relationship difficulties.
Their anti-romantic approach is useful as an antidote to the saccharine platitudes and romantic illusions that are so widespread. Yet in countering the sugar-coating of marriage and relationships, SOL fall into the opposite trap of discounting the marvel that is a loving relationship. They downplay the joy of being with a person to whom you are extremely special and vice versa.
